Denominational humor

[Robert Jimenez]

Guide to American Christianity :-)
from Quadrilateral Thoughts by Ken Schenck

Baptists - American Christians

Pentecostals - Baptists who speak in tongues

Methodists - Insecure Baptists

Anabaptists - Baptists who don't fight back

Presbyterians - Baptists who read

Reformed - Elect Baptists

Lutherans - Baptists who baptize infants

Episcopalians - Baptists who completely disagree with everything Baptist

Catholics - European Christians who came to America

Orthodox - European Christians who didn't come to America

[David Velasquez]

[David Velasquez]

[David Velasquez]

[David Velasquez]

You (or your Parents) might be a Missionary if...






20. You cruise the Internet looking for fonts that support your "native" language's alphabet.
19. You feel you need to move after you've lived in the same place for a month.

18. You have a name in at least two different languages, and it's not the same one.

17. You don't think that two hours is a long sermon.

16. You haggle with the checkout girl for a lower price.

15. You refer to gravel roads as highways.

14. Fitting 15 or more people into a car seems normal to you.

13. You know how to pack.

12. You realize that furlough is not a vacation.

11. You sort your friends by continent.

10. You do your devotions in another language.

9. You have friends from or in 29 different countries.

8. You speak with authority on the subject of airline travel.

7. You can cut grass with a machete, but can't start a lawnmower.

6. You watch nature documentaries, and think about how good that animal would taste if it were fried.

5. You consider a city 500 km away to be "very close".

4. You have a time zone map next to your telephone.

3. You read National Geographic and recognize someone.

2. You speak two languages, but can't spell in either.

1. You can't answer the question, "Where are you from?"

[David Velasquez]

Church Signs



Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world!

It is unlikely there'll ever be a reduction in the wages of sin.

Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.

Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here.

Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons - come hear one.

People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.

Where will you be sitting in eternity - smoking or non-smoking?

[David Velasquez]

Ways to Know you are in the wrong Church...



-The staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor, and Socio-Pastor.

- They have ATM machines in the lobby.

- No cover charge, but communion is a two drink minimum.

- Services are B.Y.O.S. (Bring Your Own Snakes)

- They have karaoke worship time.

- The guy that takes the minutes in business meeting votes against everything because he can't spell unanimous.

- The only song the church organist knows is Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida.

- The church bus has gun racks.

- The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss" version.

- The choir wears leather robes.

- When you go in ushers ask you, "Do you want smoking or non-smoking?"

[David Velasquez]

A Sure Cure

Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.

One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church.
I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.


Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic.
I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."


The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church...
Haven't seen one back since!!!"

[David Velasquez]

The Dead Church

A new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the
members, inviting them to come to his first services.

The following Sunday the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local
newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent
Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the notice said.


Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral." In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed
coffin, smothered in flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his
congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.


Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a "dead church," all the people eagerly
lined up to look in the coffin. Each "mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a
guilty, sheepish look.


In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.