Denominational humor

[Robert Jimenez]

Guide to American Christianity :-)
from Quadrilateral Thoughts by Ken Schenck

Baptists - American Christians

Pentecostals - Baptists who speak in tongues

Methodists - Insecure Baptists

Anabaptists - Baptists who don't fight back

Presbyterians - Baptists who read

Reformed - Elect Baptists

Lutherans - Baptists who baptize infants

Episcopalians - Baptists who completely disagree with everything Baptist

Catholics - European Christians who came to America

Orthodox - European Christians who didn't come to America

[David Velasquez]

Denominational Humor
How many _________ does it take to change a light bulb?

1. Charismatics? Only one since his/her hands are always in the air anyway.

2. Presbyterians? None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.

3. Baptists? CHANGE???????

4. Pentecostals? Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

5. Catholics? None. They always use candles.

6. Episcopalians? Ten. One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one.

7. Church of Christ? None. There's no evidence that light bulbs were ever changed in New Testament times.

8. United Methodists? We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship to your light bulb and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence through Jesus Christ.

[David Velasquez]

A woman died and descended into heaven. As she walked to the pearly gates of heaven, she saw St. Peter at the gate. St. Peter asked her, her domination. She answered "I don't have one". So St. Peter took her to different religions ,in separate rooms. First he open the door where the Baptist were. They were all drinking and having great time! Then St. Peter took her to the Methodist, they were dancing and having great time!!!! She looked at St. Peter with a surprised look. He then took her to the room where the Catholics were. They were just sitting around twiddling there thumbs! So she turns to St. Peter with another puzzled look. So He tells her that the Catholics were all partied out since they were able to do everything on earth. Contributed by S. Garcia in Texas

[David Velasquez]

ACTUAL Church Bulletin Bloopers:

· Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

· “Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.”

· "The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus."

· "Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered."

· The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to conflict.

· Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

· Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.

· Thursday night will be a potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

· For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

·A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

·This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

·Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

[David Velasquez]

"Somebody said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign..."Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God? A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you! know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

[David Velasquez]

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.


Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

[David Velasquez]

The Perfect Pastor

....The Perfect Pastor preaches exactly 10 minutes. He condemns sin roundly, but never hurts anyone's feelings. He works from 8 a.m. until midnight, and is also the church janitor.

....The Perfect Pastor makes $40 a week, wears good clothes, drives a good car, buys good books, and donates $30 a week to the parish. He is 29 years old and has 40 years' worth of experience. Above all, he is handsome.

....The Perfect Pastor has a burning desire to work with teen-agers, and he spends most of his time with the senior citizens. He smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his parish. He makes 15 home visits a day and is always in his office to be handy when needed.

....The Perfect Pastor always has time for parish council and all of it's committees. He never misses the meeting of any parish organization, and is always busy evangelizing the unchurched.

....The Perfect Pastor is always in the next parish over!

If your pastor does not measure up, simply send this notice to six other parishes that are tired of their pastor too. Then bundle up your pastor and send him to the parish at the top of your list. If everyone cooperates, in one week you will receive 1, 643 pastors. One of them should be perfect.

Have faith in this letter. One parish broke the chain and got its' old pastor back in less than three months.

-by Father McGinn

[David Velasquez]

The late Archbishop of Canterbury, Robert Runcie, wrote in his book, Seasons of the Spirit, that he once got on a train in England & discovered that all of the other passengers in the car were patients at a mental institution being taken on an excursion. A hospital attendant was counting the patients to be sure that they were all there. "One, two, three, four, five... " When he came to Runcie, the attendant asked, "Who are you?" "I am the Archbishop of Canterbury," Runcie replied. The attendant smiled, & still pointing to him continued counting, " ...six, seven, eight...

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way
to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Denominational Falling

When the Methodist minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and
says, "That was an experience, how do I learn from it?"

When the Catholic priest falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and
says, "I must have done something really bad to deserve that."

When the Presbyterian minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up
and says, "That was inevitable, I'm glad its over."

When the Baptist minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and
says, "Which one of my deacons pushed me?"


HAHAHA

[David Velasquez]

Ten Things You Never Hear in Church

1. "Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew!"

2. "I was so enthralled, I never even noticed your sermon went 25 minutes overtime."

3. "Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf."

4. "I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I've been sending to TV Evangelists."

5. "I'll volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class."

6. "Forget the denominational minimum salary. Let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do!"

7. "I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before."

8. "Since we're all here, let's start the service early!"

9. "Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas."

10. "Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment to the Lord like our annual stewardship campaign."

From Mikey's Funnies

[David Velasquez]

The Lighter Side of Talking to God

A man walking on the beach was deep in prayer. Then God spoke to him saying that because he had always been faithful, one wish would be granted to him.

The man said he wanted a bridge to Hawaii so he could drive there. God said his materialistic wish was too difficult and it would take too many natural resources, and that he should think of another wish.

The man thought for a time, then said he wished that he could understand his wife, know her feelings, what she wants, and why she gives him the silent treatment and says nothing is wrong.

The Lord thought, then replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

[David Velasquez]

More Church Bulletin Fun

* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

* This afternoon services will be held at the north and south ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

* The Little Mothers Club will meet at 5 p.m. Thursday. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.

* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

* Next week we will take a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet should come forward and get a piece of paper.

* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement today.

* A bean supper will be held on Thursday evening. Music will follow.

* The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

[Christopher Chapman]

Haha! LoL! Thx guys!!!

[David Velasquez]